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Monday, 08 December 2008

and that my friends, is how the cookie crumbles

I went to the hospital Saturday for some minor spotting, which caused major panic on my behalf. My mom was convinced (and happy about it i promise you) that i was having a miscarriage. I was unwilling to sit and have this happen without proof so i went in.

I now am the happy owner of an ultrasound picture of my little blob of 6 week old baby. and a heart rate of 104 :). So everything is fine.

My parents have both come around and are being supportive. My mom offered to by me bras when my breasts pick as size and my dad is just being his usual self around me. Its nice to feel at least some semblance of normality when i see my parents.

David's parents have offered to buy us a crib for a baby gift (OH MY GOD how relieving that is) and i think my parents will follow in suite of buying something useful and large-ish. Its nice to know we aren't totally on our own. I'm still deciding on what to do about school. I'm almost certain i want to take a semester off right after the birth (no one really knows this yet, except for dave who only kind of knows)

We're looking at names for a girl i've decided and dave says its okay

Clara Marie (first) Lynn (Middle)
we're still in debate about boys

looking at
Linus
Otis
Milo
Schroeder.

something out of those probably. with ryan or patrick as the middle name

Sunday, 30 November 2008

no matter how dark, the light of candle cannot be extinguished by it

My parents are actually coming around. My mom reccomended a place for prenatal care. My dad is finding out if my insurance is actually going to cover the prenatal care, because it very well might. He's also going to take the steps to take me off of it if needed so that i will qualify for medicaid. Its very strange, the more people i tell the more supportive i think i will get. My mother's own best friend is being supportive. It is all very strange, but today has been the first day i was able to enjoy totally without worrying about financial shit.

Dave is calling all his creditors tomorrow to figure out how much he'd have to pay them to be debt free, and we'll figure out if its feasible. I'm excited to find out from my dad what's going on and i'm nervous too.

Its just a matter of time though, and i'm finally willing to play that waiting game because i get to find out tomorrow about everything that has occupied my mind.

Friday, 28 November 2008

what i plan on saying, or something like it

I love both my parents very much, and I respect them as well, however that does not seem to be enough at the moment and I am going to have to step up and tell them what is going to happen because well, its my choice

I love you both and respect both of your opinions very much. I spent our last meeting listening to you both list concerns and facts and opinions and experiences of why i shouldn't have this child. the fact is, I am going to. And i do not need any more negative energy from anyone about it. Stress is terrible for developing fetuses and can cause birth defects. That said here is MY bottom line. I want to see you both, I want to be able to come over for dinner and go shopping and hang out. I want to be able to stop in and say hi and have both of you tell me you love me. I realize you do not support my decision, but that's just what it is, my decision. And i have made it, whether you think i made it too fast, or not, I have made it and it is mine to make. I am not going to sit through another meeting of you two explaining, discussing and dissecting different reasons or facts why this is a bad idea or a bad decision. I want to have your support, and if you can't support me that is your choice. But, I will not come over again and have you try to convince me or discuss your worries or the downfalls. If that makes me not ready to have a child in your eyes, than really nothing has changed, neither of you think i should have this child anyway. I need your support and good will and that is it. If you can't give me that than i ask that you keep your concerns to yourselves when we are together. If you can't give me that than i don't know that we can be together because i will not sit and be told what i am doing is wrong or stupid or incorrect. I love you both very very much. If this means that you don't want to support me mom, with my cell phone or my car insurance, i understand, and I'd be more than happy to leave both my insurance certificate and cell phone with you right now. Dad, I won't come to you for anything extra, or any help. I hope that this isn't what we have to come to, i want to have you both in my life, but i am bring a child of my own into my life and i need all the support i can get, and i hope eventually i can get it from you.

Thursday, 27 November 2008

The first time I've actually had to realize I'm an adult

I'm having a baby and strictly because of this I am an adult. However, on Saturday I will make my first real stand against my parents as an adult. I am going to refuse to sit through their meeting on their concerns about my child and I am going to tell them I don't want them involved with me unless they are going to be supportive.

This is hard for me, the idea makes my eyes water. I have always loved my parents, and they have always loved me and approved of what i have done. I am the baby in the family and the only girl. But goddamn it I am going to do what is healthiest for my child and that is not having negative energy around it.

It is clear in studies and everywhere else stress is a serious negative effect on pregnancy. It can cause deformities and complications during pregnancy ESPECIALLY during the first trimester. Being just about seven weeks mean i've still got just about half of my first trimester left. I will not have my parent's "concern" or "facts" deter my choice or my child.

Honestly, I don't feel the need to seat through the meetings. It feels wrong to defy my parents so, but now that i am a parent i have to. I simply must do what i believe is best, and what Dave believes is best. I am going to have to separate myself from them until they are ready to be supportive. If that means I don't get to have my family than so be it. I have Dave, Dave's family and my family of friends. And that my friends, is what really counts because when shit hits the fan or there's a miracle that's when you can see where your true friends are, because they're exactly where they were before, even if you didn't know it.
my mom has officially become my mother

She's going to drive to pull out hair. I can't stand her sometimes. Like, you can't even say i love you? I say I love you and you say you too, like its a chore. I'm sorry your daughter is so fucking difficult to deal with. I'm sorry she's making a decision you disagree with or just plan thing is wrong. I'm sure you do feel passionately that Dave and I will be unable to to provide what this child needs. I respectfully disagree whole heartedly and passionately. This is the last day of this shit I'm taking. She banned me from my family thanksgiving. In fact she created a new one for me, my dad and her. So that they can continue to berate me with "Realities" and "fact" and "Truths of the matter" about how i could not possibly be a good mother.

Yes, we are young, I am 20 and my boyfriend is 22. And yes it was unplanned. and yes, it will be hard. but really, go fuck yourselves. I cannot believe how differently my parents look at me. Its like i'm the biggest disappointment in their lives. My mother talks to me on the phone like I'm a frustration. I'm sick of it. I'd rather be without a cell phone and car insurance than have to deal with them.

Apparently, to be a mature adult I need to consider all of the options. Okay, fine. I'll agree with that. However, their "options" consist of naming reason after reason of why it couldn't happen. I don't need the stress, i really really don't And the baby doesn't. I scared to cut my parents out of my life, but right now i can't imagine them being in it.